Not everything is Progress, and that doesn’t matter

Not everything in life will be rainbows and butterflies, let’s face it.  Here I sit, in the dark of my house at night while the rest of my family sleeps.  Not just in the dark of my house, but also in the darkest place of my heart. 

I have the tough challenge of having to balance many things in my life.  I have a wife and two children with her, along with a daughter from a previous relationship.  I have to juggle my own imperfection with that of my life.  My oldest lives in two households with different rules and personalities.  My wife and I have different opinions on how to run our own household and how to raise three kids with different circumstances and values. We often find ourselves at an impass; and my emotions, my inability to see things the way most people see things, makes parenting more difficult than it should be.  

My parents are divorced and with each of them comes a unique set of difficulties and pleasures.  Annoyances and comforts.  Frustration, anger, and love.  I have a long distance and often strained,often complicated, but always worth it, relationship with my mother; and a geographically closer, simpler, yet often intimidating relationship with my father.  I can only hope to be half the parent either of them are to me.

My wife and I come from different backgrounds.  I am her city boy and she is my country girl.  I am complicated where she is not.  We can both be stubborn and I couldn’t have hoped for a better person to spend my life with; but marriage can be stressful.  Parenting can be stressful.  We don’t always see eye to eye, eithe because we disagree or because we just don’t understand where the other is coming from sometimes.

I think most people look to us bloggers for guidance, for hope.  To be fair, however, sometimes hope is hard to find.  Sometimes you have to accept that there are things in life over which you have very little control.  It could be your emotions, their emotions, the upbringing of your own children… and in the end you can’t always look to hope.  You simply have to do your best to love everyone in your life and trust that the best possible outcome will arise so long as you maintain that love and non-judgement.   

If you are a part of my life, be that part big or small; know that I have nothing but love for you, otherwise you would not be in my life.  I want nothing but the best for you, and there is no one I know who isn’t capable of finding their way to the best life they can have.  We may not always agree, and it may be my fault more often than not when things go wrong or we disagree. I accept that and thank you all for being in my life anyway.  Near or far, big or small; there is not a single person in my life I am not thankful for.  If you come to my blog for support, answers, or comfort; know that in love these things can be found. Find the love in your heart and share it.  It is there, I promise.

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Is it ADHD, or am I just angry?

My favorite blogger, Tom Nardone, once wrote about the idea that sometimes it’s not ADHD, it’s just a bad day.

I imagine it is probably easy for those around me to associate every time that I get angry with Tantrum, and dismiss the validity of my frustration. Admittedly, I often do not direct my frustration at the source. I generally just get testy and take it out on anyone or anything around me; so its easy to miss that I might actually have a valid reason to be upset.  Right now, my anxiety is at an all time high, because I’m starting a new role at work.  So, while nothing about work has made me angry or upset, I’m still uptight.  I am nervous and trying to learn new things all day, and so when I get home, I’m tired or annoyed.  One might say that if my temper is harder to control at this stage, that it’s my ADHD.  Maybe it is…

Here’s the thing: regardless of why I’m freaking out, in my mind it is valid in the moment. Its me against the world.  These days, I will shut myself off from the world and from whatever has triggered me so I can calm down. Some people call this “sulking.  Whatever.  When I’m “sulking” you have to leave me the hell alone.  That’s all there is to it.  The worst possible thing you could do is nag at me about how I “always walk away.”  I do always walk away.  There’s a reason for that.  I either have shut down mentally and cannot hold a conversation due to my temper, or I recognize my temper is a thing, and I’ve walked away to talk myself down without negatively impacting my family.  I may always walk away, but when I’ve calmed down, I always come back and the conversation is always better than if someone stops me and forces me into confrontation.

I know it seems childish, or immature, but seriously consider, when someone is at their melting point, just leaving them alone to stew a bit.

Fear

7-4-2016

FEAR

 

Fear is a force to be reckoned with.

 

Growing up, my main motivation was the fear of letting down my team mates and my family.  I would beat myself up over grades and performance because I didn’t want others to beat me up over it.  I was a pretty good runner, and a pretty good student, but not really all that happy.

I was afraid also to make friends, and had a hard time keeping the friends I had, with a few very important exceptions.  In any kind of relationship, be it friend, family, or romantic, I realize that fear of letting the other party down, or even more so fear that I’ve already let them down drives me crazy.  If I think I’ve pissed off or annoyed a friend, I may not talk to that friend for months, secretly hoping they will say to me “Hey, Andrew, why haven’t you called?  Everything ok?  Let’s hang out!”  Of course, it really just looks like I’m avoiding that friend or those individuals and I look like the bear who shouldn’t be poked.

I wrote the other day about my temper having gotten the best of me one night, trying to get my kids ready for bed.  That night has been gnawing at me.  I am so afraid that I’ve royally screwed up that I can’t help but practically beg for ways to make things better.  Constantly asking my wife if she needs anything, taking the family to a move, trying harder to stay on top of the housework so there’s less for me to get on everyone else about; these are all ways I’m trying to work past my fear.  The anxiety is overwhelming, and I expect that any day, my girls will tell me they don’t like being around me.  That anxiety, that fear that I’m already in the doghouse and it’s just a matter of time before the locks on the house are changed, it’s terrible.  I have only myself to blame, right?  That’s what I keep telling myself.

 

I haven’t been running since last Wednesday.  I have been walking every day but I think that the inconsistency in my running is more detrimental than not exercising at all.  I have had a hard time staying on task and controlling my knee-jerk reactions.  I feel like everything is falling down around me.  I can only do my best to put on a happy face and just keep swimming.  Hopefully getting back into the routine after the holiday will help.  Otherwise, I am not sure how to stop being a nervous wreck.

Why Can’t you Just Listen?!

Why Can't You Just

It was so frustrating, growing up with the constant “Why can’t you just listen?”  or “Just do what you’re told!”  I used to cringe when I heard teachers or parents address their kids this way.

Now I’m that parent.  I have three kids, and these words should have special meaning to me.  The other night, I was so fed up with the kids not doing what they were told and doing so much general kid stuff instead of just sitting and eating dinner or, later, getting their room picked up before bed.  I found myself yelling at them constantly, louder and angrier each time. Now I’m cringing at myself.  I am putting myself in the shoes of my wife in the other room and imagining what it must have sounded like to her.  I let my temper get the best of me.  Me.  The guy who should be the first to not flip his lid or lose patience, because I’ve been that kid on the receiving end.  Disgusting. Continue reading

ADHD Review – June Teaser

As promised, I have begun listening to podcasts and reading blogs, and will be putting up some kind of review or commentary in June.  I plan on providing some kind of monthly commentary on a book or one of several podcasts and blogs I will be catching up on this summer.  I really want to learn more about ADHD, but it will not be 100% technical.  Many of my favorite writers and speakers with ADHD don’t necessarily mention ADHD in everything they do. Continue reading

Road Rage 4: The Stalker

so by now you’ve realized that I have a lot of fantasies about arguments and vandalism against crappy drivers.

What about real life events, though?  I’ve never really egged the car of a bad driver (I promise…?) but surely there are things that do actually happen?

 

abso-freakin-lutely.

As my wife was unfortunate enough to witness one fine day, I have this thing I do when I’m turning left, and a vehicle is stopped ahead of the stop line inside my turn.  like the picture below:

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don’t be jealous of my mad art skillz…

As you might imagine from the angle of my car and the path I’ve drawn for it, I get pretty close.  Not that this asshat gave me much room to begin with, right?  My poor wife.

Anyhow, the drawing above is my rendition of the exact scenario.  We were going to Culver’s which is actually just about a foot off the page.  After a few minutes in the Drive Thru, this young woman pulls up next to me and honks a couple times to get my attention, then her idiot boyfriend/husband/pet moron starts hollering at me from the passenger seat.

“Hey man, are you okay?”  He asks.

I reply, “Yeah, man, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes…”

“Yeah? because you just almost hit us back at that intersection!”

My dream has come true…

Continue reading

Road Rage: The Invisible Egg

 

Sometimes I feel like daytime drivers are all part of a union which requires them to mess with people and just be all around turds on the road.  I had to make a stop at the Doctor’s office this morning on the way to work.  First I get routed all over Northern Illinois because there is construction EVERYWHERE.  I’ve finally gotten back to the intersection that will put me on the road I need to get to the DR, and I see this dude driving backward down the wrong side of the road, through the intersection.  WTF?  I make my turn into the lane he was in, only to find out why he was driving backward… There was an accident.  Car was bent in half around a street light, and the fire truck that responded was blocking both lanes, so the road was closed and traffic was being diverted.  By now its too late for me to get out of it, so I’m stuck waiting for traffic to crawl by this accident (which occurred at an intersection, so all for ways are being controlled by traffic cops.  It took me 45 min to drive a quarter mile  The dude in the car behind me is eating with his mouth open, spilling food all over himself. Gross.  I’m pretty sure the dudes in the car next to me are rolling a joint.  Really?  Really.   So I did not have time to stop at the doctor’s office, and it took me 2 hrs. to get to work instead of the anticipated ~75 min.  I didn’t have an appt., just needed to pick something up, so the Dr. thing was no biggie.  But now, again, I’m detoured all over the suburbs trying to find a new route to work. For those familiar with where I work, I finally make it through several back road detours to Boughton Rd. in Naperville, which I can virtually take all the way there.  Home free, with 25 min to go before I’m late.  I can totally do this.  Wait, what’s that ahead?  Oh it’s a sewer truck blocking my lane (about 200 meters ahead).  Let me signal my intent to merge and get into the other lane.  Well ok that car’s not going to let me over, I’ll get behind him.  No, never mind, this guy’s not letting me over either.  there’s room behind him, and my signal’s been on for a bit so I should be fine.  Wait, did that Ass-hat just speed up so I couldn’t get in front of him???  Holy Crap, did he really just hit his brakes and flip me off when I got behind him??? It’s a good thing I’ve got my invisible eggs in the car.

Yes, that’s right.  I’ve been saying for years that with all the asshole drivers on the road that I really just need a carton off eggs in the car.  This guy has no idea what’s coming.  Look at that bus stopped up ahead, in his lane.  He’ll have to get over to my lane now.  Let me pass him first.  BOOM! he just got egged.  Now he’s behind me and has no idea about the yolk running down the back of his car.  ok we’re a few miles down the road and he’s getting into the turn lane.  BOOM!  BOOM! BOOM! 3 more eggs (thrown together, I’ve got mad skillz).  Pretty sure one hit his window.  He’s stuck at a red arrow, powerless to stop me.  Powerless to pursue me as I pass through the intersection.  SCREW YOU, ASSHOLE!  It’s a great feeling just knowing how I could have really jacked his car up.  He was at my mercy and didn’t even know.  He’s going to be cleaning invisible eggshit off his car for weeks.  Serves him right, for his massively “Dick-ish antics” (thanks for the term, K-Grig). Vindicated, I continued to work.  Invisible eggs.  When the ride has just been absolute crap and that one idiot just pushes you over the edge, you’ll be thankful for your invisible eggs.  In fact, I have just given you some.  Free of charge.  Just comment on my blog and share it with your friends (I like when people read my nonsensical musings), that’s all I ask.  Go forth and egg shitty drivers to your heart’s content, and feel free to tell me about it in the comments below.

Egged-car-e1382391189138

 

Read the original here.