Sloth

One of the most difficult stuggles of having ADHD is the temptation of the quick and easy.  I need something to do.  I could go for a run.  But then I have to put on my layers of winter running clothes. My music device is touchy in the cold so I don’t even want to deal with that. Then there’s coming back. Peeling off all the clothes; and it’s practically a whole load of laundry by itself!  Or, there’s the Playstation 3. All I have to do is turn it on.

Don’t even get me started on food.  Home made meals are better for us but require so much work. And then there’s the clean up.  The dishes are already piled up and making food is going to take time and make more dirty dishes. Taco Bell doesn’t require dishes, though.  And it’s so good.  

Then there’s the kids.  They trash the house.  It’s like Toys R Us threw up in my living room.  At that point I just shut down. Its too easy to just avoid or ignore there mess than to deal with the anxiety of trying to clean it all up.  I end up couch bound more often than not.  Its depressing and its like any motivation I have is literally sucked out of me.  My mind shuts off and I shut down. 

Its involuntary and it sucks and eventually I will snap and go for an angry run and feel better. Until then its a battle to keep from drinking my problems away. This time of year I purposely stay away from alcohol more often than not because it’s too much of a temptation.  This blog took me 3 days to write. I am just drained.

Tantrum Revisited

Tantrum: Revisited

(revised)

Those of you who are not new readers know I have an internal nemesis named Tantrum.  For the newbies out there, I’ll break it down real quick like.  Ever have those days where one thing after another goes wrong and you get so angry you start to take it out on everything and everyone around you?  Yes, well, maybe not.  Anyhow, I do, and I call this phenomenon Tantrum.  I find Tantrum is easier to combat when personified.

Tantrum struck hard one weekend.  I can’t really go into the details,  as I feel obligated to respect the privacy of those I was with that weekend who might read this and find it distasteful.  I digress…

Tantrum struck hard.  I was not at home.  I had no “go-to” sanctuary to calm my mind and fight the battle.  so I fought Tantrum, in the open, in my mind, and fought so hard I was in tears for hours.  You might ask me “Andrew, why would you put yourself through this?” Continue reading

Tantrum

One of the most important discoveries I’ve made in my blogging experience.  Please excuse the change in tenses throughout, I was pretty raw when I first wrote this…

 

12/30/2013

I believe that I am improving in recognizing those days where Anxiety or Temper are getting the best of me, or will.  This time, my wife saw it before I did.

My 3 yr. old wakes up fairly early yesterday AM.  I get up, fire up the T.V. and Wii, and she decides she wants to go back and snuggle with her mommy, then changes her mind to go back to her room to snuggle with her oldest sister.  Leaving me with the Wii and about 6 hrs. of sleep.  Technically, I’m still a college student… so this should be something I can handle, right?  WRONG!  This particular game is a bit sensitive in the controls, and this causes me to die.  Over and over again.  I start getting frustrated.  As the morning progresses, my kids get up and start their morning rituals of random coloring, reading, and watching whatever’s on the TV.  Then my wife gets up, and by now I’m raging at the game.  Biting back ever swear word known to man because the kids are watching.  Eventually, I turn to my 6yr old and say “You go ahead and play, sweetie.  I’m done for the day.”  She has no problem with this, and I remove myself from the situation.

My wife, at this point, is very wary of my attitude.  I reassure her.  “It’s no big deal.  Men yell when playing video games just like they yell when their working on cars.”  I’m just a little more in touch with my testosterone today, no biggie.  Right?  WRONG!

Continue reading

Get Over It!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Get over it

Some of the best advice I’ve ever given, or been given, is to get over it.  Granted, usually this is said with the least possible amount of tact, in the end, it is the best advice to follow 99% of the time. Last night, I went to bed practically shaking with anger.  After a rough discussion through social media messaging (one of the worst ways to have an important conversation, but since I initiated it there, there it remained) I was told to “Get over it.”  Continue reading

The ADHD Zone

the ADHD Zone: Captain WTF

Imagine if you will, another dimension, where time and space exist differently.  You don’t understand the world around you, and everything you experience affects you in ways it shouldn’t, in ways others would frown upon.  You have just entered “The ADHD Zone”.

(Cue the Music)

ADHDZone

Today’s topic: help.  We all want it, we rarely want to ask for it, and when you have ADHD, you’re not always happy when you get it.  I always seem to catch the things that are out of place or different than I would have done.  For example, Sometimes, when I have to work the weekend, my step-mom or my mother-in-law will come to my house (it’s about an 80 minute drive for either them, one-way) to watch my kids.  As a bonus, I typically come home to a clean house after putting in my 8 hrs. of overtime. No issues there, right?  Wrong.  Continue reading

The Winter Blahs

winter

When I began this blog, my intent was to capture all the many facets that make up my life, and how they are especially ADHD affected.  I want to also make it a point not to turn this into a pity party for myself when I’m feeling down. That said, I can’t very well capture the true essence of my ADD/ADHD life without touching the less appealing aspects of my character.  Lately I have been pretty out of touch with that little spark of insanity that helps me power through life.  I get this way every winter, it seems, and it’s been getting worse every year. One thing that I’ve admitted to in the past is my own guilt in my lack of routine, and the lethargy and overeating that have gripped my life and are slowly drowning me in self-pity and disappointment.   I find myself wanting to be the energetic dad who takes my kids sledding and running amok through the snow.  I want to stay ontop of the housework.  I want to write and share my blog entries.  When the opportunity presents itself, however, something stops me.  It’s like a physical force that only allows me to leave the couch for food or to use the bathroom.  I wait til the last minute to clean the dishes, cook the food, do the homework.  Thank goodness for the Anxiety; that last minute “if I don’t do it now I’ll fail” anxiety that is strong enough to put me in motion.  Then there’s my health.  I’ve already touched on the topic of Gluttony.  I cannot stop eating if there’s food in front of me.  It is a remarkable accomplishement if I have leftovers.  Eating also comforts me.  I don’t typically have the energy to make food during times like this, so I end up eating all the snack food in the house first.  Chips, candy, canned food.  Considering that most of the year I am accustomed to eating home-cooked, from-scratch meals, salads, etc, this is a real shock to my system, and only serves to enable sickness and depression. This is not a rant, or a search for pity.  It is an admittance of weakness.  I need help, but am afraid to ask.  Afraid of denial, disappointment, or embarassment.  I do not want to be a burden on others.  I want strength. In my recently developed friendships and discussions on the topic of ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression, I have come to learn that I am not alone in being misunderstood, or simply not understood at all.  I feel that, for me, this stems from my lack of communication.  I feel I should be sharing this with my friends and family.  That I should be seeking encouragement.  When the time comes, though, all I feel is shame.  I do not have the willpower to seek help, motivation, or understanding.  I wallow in my blahs until longer days and warmer sun melts them away. This is the dark underbelly of my ADHD life.