Fear is a force to be reckoned with.
Growing up, my main motivation was the fear of letting down my team mates and my family. I would beat myself up over grades and performance because I didn’t want others to beat me up over it. I was a pretty good runner, and a pretty good student, but not really all that happy.
I was afraid also to make friends, and had a hard time keeping the friends I had, with a few very important exceptions. In any kind of relationship, be it friend, family, or romantic, I realize that fear of letting the other party down, or even more so fear that I’ve already let them down drives me crazy. If I think I’ve pissed off or annoyed a friend, I may not talk to that friend for months, secretly hoping they will say to me “Hey, Andrew, why haven’t you called? Everything ok? Let’s hang out!” Of course, it really just looks like I’m avoiding that friend or those individuals and I look like the bear who shouldn’t be poked.
I wrote the other day about my temper having gotten the best of me one night, trying to get my kids ready for bed. That night has been gnawing at me. I am so afraid that I’ve royally screwed up that I can’t help but practically beg for ways to make things better. Constantly asking my wife if she needs anything, taking the family to a move, trying harder to stay on top of the housework so there’s less for me to get on everyone else about; these are all ways I’m trying to work past my fear. The anxiety is overwhelming, and I expect that any day, my girls will tell me they don’t like being around me. That anxiety, that fear that I’m already in the doghouse and it’s just a matter of time before the locks on the house are changed, it’s terrible. I have only myself to blame, right? That’s what I keep telling myself.
I haven’t been running since last Wednesday. I have been walking every day but I think that the inconsistency in my running is more detrimental than not exercising at all. I have had a hard time staying on task and controlling my knee-jerk reactions. I feel like everything is falling down around me. I can only do my best to put on a happy face and just keep swimming. Hopefully getting back into the routine after the holiday will help. Otherwise, I am not sure how to stop being a nervous wreck.