Since the purpose of this blog is to describe ALL aspects of my ADHD life, this entry will revisit an old post from August of 2014, about 2 months after my dad suffered a heart attack and I was still shaken up by it.
Monday, August 4, 2014
I’ve recently experienced a life-altering event. I’m not sure why it’s still affecting me, since it’s over and life has gone on without injury, torment, sadness, or any other insanity which would cause me duress. Yet here I am, still unable to function. It’s started affecting my work life. My blogging. This morning I wrote and rewrote a blog 3 times, each time less cohesive than the last. I am second guessing myself constantly. I do not have the time or money to undergo any non-med treatment, and so it may come down to a decision to take up the Ritalin coat of arms once more. Essentially I feel like I did when I first tried to stop taking meds for my ADHD. I attempted to quit cold turkey, and the effects were immense. Concentrate? What’s that? Focus? yeah, right…
That’s where I am now. Luckily, I have developed habits to get through the day. Even so, I feel like I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I have reverted back to focusing on people’s lack of understanding my thought process. I have created discussions and arguments where none were needed. Much like the depression that sets in during the winter months, I feel like I’m spiraling out of control.
Of course I can maintain a façade. I can act like everything’s good. Those who really have an “in” to my behaviors, however, know the truth. My manager is one, for sure. I’ve been making stupid mistakes regarding processes I’ve been doing since I started working here. Mistakes that have no excuse. I’m mixing up my kids’ names (more than usual), forgetting what I was saying mid sentence, and spacing out in the middle of conversations. It’s like I’m re-experiencing ADHD for the first time. And it’s exhausting. It doesn’t help that I’ve been depriving myself of sleep. Luckily I’ve been eating fairly well, however I have reintroduced an unhealthy amount of sugar into my diet. I still get a great balance of everything else I should have, especially Vegetables and fish. If not for this, I’m sure things would be worse. I feel like my mental functions are deteriorating. It’s a helpless feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
I wrote this Morning about semantics, word usage, choosing your battles, all somewhat tied together in my mind, evolved into 3 separate attempts at 1 blog entry. All of which disintegrated as I wrote. I can’t retain a thought. I can’t even tell you what I’ve done so far today at work. I know I have been putting music on my phone (I lost my iPod) and I know I have a vacation which starts Thursday. I can tell you the important stuff about my life, my job, my family… the things I’ve been thoroughly trained on. Holding on to it while I explain, however, is difficult. Typing this was difficult. I started it 3 hours ago. And now, 20 min after the last sentence, I’ve had to reread the whole thing to remember what my point is (if I even have one). So I will leave it at this: ADHD has been a pain in my ass lately. That’s pretty much all. And when I put it that way, it seems easier to address.
Read the original HERE.
My next entry went as follows:
ADHD is all in the mind.
Literally. It’s not made up, but it all takes place in the mind. Mental health is just as important as physical health. In the shadow of one of the most difficult days since I began this blog (meaning difficulties that are ADHD related) I am updating the blog with my work on becoming a healthier person. In recent days and weeks, I’ve battled to maintain a healthy diet. I’d say I’ve done fairly well for the most part. I’ve stopped losing weight, which is ok, because my clothes are still fitting more and more loosely, and my energy levels are better, so I know I’m still on the right path. However, my mental health, as seen in my last blog, has been suffering a bit. So now, along with eating well and trying to get out a few days a week and get some exercise, I’m going to start incorporating a little self-awareness and meditation into my daily routine. Just sitting quietly and listening to everything going on around me is like that first stretch in the morning. All the muscles wake up, there’s a big yawn, and I’m good to go. I sit, lay, stand, whatever, and just listen to everything going on around me. I can focus on anything and everything and just listen. Then I turn that attention inward. How am I feeling? what aches? Am I hungry? Thirsty? What’s good for breakfast today? just 5 or 10 minutes a day is enough, first thing in the morning, or at lunchtime at work, or even right before bed (great for getting to sleep) Any thoughts or dreams, write them down. Maybe blog about them 🙂 so you may see a few more abstract blog topics in weeks to come. I’m on vacation next week, and doubt I’ll be on the internet much, if at all. If I am, it’s probably just to upload photos. Just as a break in your day is a good thing, to recharge your mind and keep a positive mental attitude; a vacation works just the same way, and everyone should take them!
Read the original HERE.
Self awareness is hard to come by for simple reasons. I never realize just how unaware I am. Unaware of how my behavior might affect others. Unaware of how I’m presenting myself as a friend or coworker. Unaware of what I’m missing when interacting with others. It makes sense, if there is something I’m unaware of, how would I know? The answer, as reflected in the second blog entry, is to regularly stop and take stock. What has my mood been like lately? What have I been eating? Who has really pissed me off, and should I have been as angry as I was?
What aren’t you aware of?